RANDOM - Xbox Business Update actually a temporal vortex in disguise
It’s not a lake. It’s… redundant.
By Randy Pitchfork
22/02/24
Hit pause on your Tardis and call Temporal Investigations. Xbox have secretly debuted their mastery of chroniton particles by releasing a video that quite literally repeats the same talking points. Under the guise of listening to fans, Phil “Captain Braxton” Spencer, Commander Bond and Crewman Booty have proven a remarkable talent for regurgitating repeated PR speak and repackaging it as new thoughts.
Speaking from his stasis chamber, Crewman Booty elaborated: “We understand the average attention span of a gamer is about as short as our console sales numbers. What better way to cut through the noise than to mysteriously tease systemic changes to our publishing approach, announce little to nothing new, and then waffle for nearly 15 extra minutes”?
It seems the temporal wonkiness isn’t just restricted to people important enough to have lower third chyrons. Prolific photoshop enthusiast Klobrille went from taking a step back from the brand to making new JPEG’s within a 24 hour period. Now if that’s not a sign that someone is messing with the sacred timeline, then slap my bum and call me Hakim.
TARPS?
At the bottom of some of our articles, you’ll see a series of absurd looking images (with equally stupid, in joke laden names). These are the TARP badges, which represent our ‘Totally Accurate Rating Platform’. They allow us to identify specific things, recognise positive or negative aspects of a games design, and generally indulge our consistent silliness with some visual tomfoolery.
